Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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