Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
