If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
