I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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