It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
