god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Randomize
