Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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