Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
