There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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