Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
