So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
