I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
