And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
