They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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