I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have fence marks all over my body
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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