So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
