Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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