I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
