Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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