i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
