i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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