thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
