Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Randomize
