Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
