Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
