And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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