i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
