We won't sleep together?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
