I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
