I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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