Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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