At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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