If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
