He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
