We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
