One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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