maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
