I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
