There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
