My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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