drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
