All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
