I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
