i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
