wat bout pragnant strippers??
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
