it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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