How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
