The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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