Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
