At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
