There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
