I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
