Someone shit on the floor
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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